Dear Fellow Parents,
Fresh fruits and vegetables are a thing of the past. We’ve got a grab-and-go squeeze packet or dried fruit snacks now. Cheaper, no prep needed, and they last for months.
Whole grains and grass-fed meats are vastly overrated and no different from the value products at your local Wal-Mart. They just want to take your money!
Organic? What a joke! SCAM ALERT!!
I’m sorry, did you say RAW MILK for your toddler? That’s disgusting! Don’t you know that’s drinking the milk straight from a cow? That’s not safe! No one has sterilized it, processed it, added synthetic vitamin D and other stuff (I say stuff because I don’t know what it’s called or how to pronounce it) nothing! Plus, it’s full fat! (gasp in horror)
Children need NONE of these things. What they need is a fun childhood where they can eat whatever they want and make their own decisions about their own health. After all, they are fully capable and mature enough to do so. And denying them the snacks and candy they want is basically a form of child abuse. And, you know, the other kids will think your child is weird. (shudder)
Plus, why are you wasting your money on these so-called healthy foods? Grab an over-the-counter kid’s multivitamin gummy and call it good! Hell, just shove them full of vaccines and your job is done. Good to go!
Oh, they’re experiencing heightened anxiety and stress? Nah, not the diet. The diet of all the processed packaged pizzas and frozen burritos, chips, and soda are helping them cope with those stresses! Just go see your doctor, and bam! You’ve got some pills for them.
What now? They are struggling to focus and do well in school? Well, I’m here to relieve your worries because guess what? We’ve got a few new ADHD medications that will do the trick!
They’re not sleeping? Totally normal. No, silly, it’s not their diet or their medications—those are helping them. It’s just another part of kids growing up. We’ve got some excellent sleeping pills that will knock them out for you. After all, sleep is very important to a growing child. And you deserve your sleep too!
Acne popping up all over? Definitely don’t change their diet, that’s just a myth. There’s no correlation between what they put IN their bodies and what happens on the OUTSIDE. Here’s a list of chemical creams you can apply that’ll clear them right up. And we’ve got some great pills too, but they have to be older because of the huge list of possible side effects. Oh don’t worry, those are rare and just something we have to say; it won’t happen to your child.
Stop questioning. Stop worrying. After all, this is science. You can trust it. Why would any of these companies be lying? They don’t have their own agendas. What agendas could they possibly have? It’s just billions and billions of dollars in their pockets. But hey, we all need to make a living, right?
End of Public Service Announcement. You’re welcome.
Sincerely,
Your Health and Food Industries
Author’s note: My hope in reading this post is that you were filled with shock, astonishment, frustration, and complete rage at the utter tomfoolery of these statements. This post is dripping in palpable sarcasm, yet these are ALL statements being widely dispersed to parents daily! As a parent, I too have fallen for some of them, and I am outraged and devastated. These are the messages, wrapped in fear, guilt, and downright lies to manipulate our ignorance and obscure the truth.
It’s time to stop preying on the anxiety of uniformed parents to convince them these outlandish statements are true. “They” will never stop it, but we can. We can be the voice to our friends, families, neighbors, patients, etc. Maybe one day the lies they peddle will be eclipsed by what can become our common knowledge and experience of genuine healthcare.
Images from iStock/SIphotography (main), stockphotodirectors (post).
